Friday, November 26, 2004

ju-on -- the grudge

so i've got a grudge against 'the grudge.' heard a lot of good things about the new one with sarah michelle gellar based exactly on the original and also set in tokyo. by ... the same director who did the remake. i'm horrid with names and i have already put the film in the post for netflix. coma brain... it was so lame, i've got a grudge against it for wasting a film in my queue...

anyway, even my best friend luke said the film wasn't horrid. and i trust his opinion. well he must have been doing some serious drugs the night he saw it, or else the remake is far better than 'ju-on' because i found little to like in it. mostly it was a stupid plot with supposedly scary moments that were about as scary as my trip to the philadelphia edgar allen poe house. there, the park ranger told us to 'look in every cabinet' and they had plastic rats in some, and spiders in others. that's how thrilling this film was. the only good thing i can say about the film is the its lead character had good eyes for supposedly getting scared.

i thought that if i liked this one, i would go see the grudge. but tim and i both agreed it was a piece of shit, even if he liked it more than me. i even fell asleep at one point, it was that lame.

so don't see either!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

comedic cookery

so i watched 'the god of cookery,' a stephen chow comedy, last night. i know what you are all thinking: any stephen chow comedy must be terrific. well, i must tell you, this is perhaps his greatest masterpiece of all. it's crazy, more insane than his other films such as 'from beijing with love'.

it starts off rather bizarrely, and just goes on from there. from the get-go you are introduced to the said 'god of cookery', who is shown eating 'assorted noodles' at an outdoor market. he proclaims them 'unfit,' citing, for example, shit still left in the pig's colon that comprises part of the meal. cut to gods descending and bright lights, and then we see the 'god' smack dab in a strange cooking contest. there we meet the 'minister of taste', who will play a big part in the end. we also meet a young protege of stephen chow's, a big, bespectacled loaf ready to do his bidding no matter what. through no unseen circumstances, the 'god' is proclaimed winner, and his protege is hired after proving his loyal service by pulling down his pants to take a crap in the hallway, per stephen chow's dictate. sounds bizarre already, doesn't it?

well of course somehow this protege is linked with the triad/syndicate, and soon enough he gets our hapless hero disbanded as a fraud, and chow loses his fame, his restaurants and all his money.

cut back to the original scene, which i suppose is now present time. here, a band of thugs beat him up for stepping on their turf, and only 'turkey,' the woman who made the shitty noodles in the first place, steps up to save him. they soon form a partnership with a new dish, which is so bizarre i leave you to find out what it is for yourself.

the film gets wackier and wackier; at times you're not sure what's going on because the subtitles flash so quickly. but in fact it doesn't really matter, does it? you are whisked along this route of mayhem and mischief, until the finale where all loose ends become somehow neatly tied up.

oh, i haven't laughed this hard in a while. so naturally i highly recommend it! be ready for inanity, and you'll be set to enjoy this fine piece of hong kong brilliance....

Monday, November 22, 2004

the untold story

so saturnight i was on a hot date and we ended up coming back here to watch a film. happily, of all my films, the guy chose 'the untold story', the weirdest, most depraved, violent film i've ever seen. it's a hong kong action film. the lead actor wears this goony big black glasses that enhance his ever-crazed eyes perfectly.

the film is based on a true story, as the dvd 'sadly' reports. it's hard for me to even write about this film, because you have to see it to believe it. i've seen it many times and it still amazes me. it's about this guy who kills a family so that he can take over the restaurant they own. only you don't know this at first. all you know is that a woman's remains have washed up on the shore and are really stinking up the joint. the remains are so old and washed out that when the female cop picks up the arm to take a finger print, the finger falls off into her hand... that's about as ungross as it gets. from there it is all downhill... blood. guts. butchery. the cool part about the film is that it's not just the restaurant guy who is evil; the police aren't so great themselves. the guy refuses to talk when they first arrest him, and so they throw him in jail, where the dead restaurant's bro happens to be. well of course the bro and his posse beat the shit out of our antihero. he still refuses to talk, tries to kill himself to get out of prison. in hospital he is abused even more. it's strange; the guy is so vile, you want to hate him, and yet when the police are beating the crap out of him, you almost feel sorry for the guy....

the film really digs deep into your marrow, making you squirm. it's not for everyone -- i've tried to show it to a few people but it just doesn't fly with them. so i was happy when my date loved the film. not bad for a first date....

sorry for the silence for so long. i'll try to write more. i just haven't seen anything worth writing about these days....

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

secret window should have stayed closed

sorry for the silence, folks. i just haven't had time to write here. between school and participating in national novel writing month ( i just have had no time for writing on my blog, let alone watching films. well that's not true. i just haven't watched anything worth writing about.

and this one, 'secret window', isn't really, because it was really stupid. starring johnny depp and based on a stephen king novella, this story was utterly predictable (aren't all stephen king stories these days?) and utterly boring.

even johnny depp wasn't that nice to look at in this film, and i usually just can watch any piece of crap he is in (pirates of the carribean, anyone?) to see him. usually though he picks interesting roles and is very intelligent in the characters he plays.

but this film was so forced, no wonder he didn't do any good to it. it was about a writer (big surprise) who wrote a short story back in '95. called 'secret window' (although what the story was about was never told, except we saw the supposed secret window it was based on, which, obviously, if you can see it isn't that secret). anyway, one day this guy, played quite nicely i must admit by john turturro, shows up and claims that depp's character plagiarized the story.

well if you have every read a stephen king novel lately or seen a film based on his recent work, you can guess what happens. and to spare you all the torture of perhaps renting this dreck, i will tell you...

big surprise!!! the john turturro character is just a manifestation of a slowly going insane depp, and he starts doing things that show he's insane. of course we are supposed to believe he is still being stalked by turturro, who supposedly burns down his estranged wife's house and kills the one man who could have told the police that turturro exists. ah. what a piece of crap.

the ending just gets so ridiculous. i can't even talk about it, it is just too horrid. i might get nightmares just thinking about it...

all i will tell you is that you know the film is over when the camera pans over to the secret window and dollies in for a close up. please, close the blinds on this piece of shit!!!

i am in the process of trying to find time to watch baz luhrmann's version of 'la boheme,' and as soon as i do i will fill you in on it. i'm not much of an opera fan but i've heard such great things about this, and i am, as you all know, a big luhrmann fan. so until then, i close the window on my post...